Winning entry from the holiday party

As promised, we had our 200-word writing contest at the holiday party! To refresh your memory, the rules were posted here.

The winner of the contest was Trudy Brandenburg! Her story, “Reindeer Games,” beat a strong field for the top prize. Here is the story:

“Great shot, Loreen,” Elmer, the director of the local shooting gallery said. “You’re sure to get a nice turkey for the holiday.”

“I ain’t out to shoot no turkeys,” Loreen said, aiming the old electric-powered rifle at the cut-out target again.

“Oh? What then?”

“Deer. Great big uns. I seen ‘em twice now–early the past two Christmas mornings. They’re lined up and have a big sleigh behind ‘em. I told that old fat man with a white beard to get offin’ my property both times. He just laughed and waved and headed off with a big bag. I’ll give him somthin’ to laugh about. I’m tired ah them big ruts in my yard, them deer pawin’ and snortin’ at the ground.”

“When did you say you saw them critters and that fat man?” he asked excitedly.

“Early Chrismas mornins, round three. I seen ‘em when I got up to go to the outhouse the first year and the last year, too. One of ‘em’s got a bloody nose.” 

“Loreen, I don’t think you should shoot them deer,” Elmer said, wide-eyed.

She fired off a few more shots before she lowered the gun and looked at him quizzically. “Why not?”

Book Review: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes/From Here To Eternity

By Patrick Stuart, BCW President

Have you ever wondered about death? I don’t mean in the existentialist, why are we here, is there really an h-e-double-toothpicks-type-stuff, but rather the more, shall we say, grittier side of things. Such as how do we decompose? If someone dies at a Burger King, who’s responsible for the body? And what happens during a cremation? Admit it, you’re curious. Yo también. But be curious no more, because mortician and author Caitlin Doughty recounts her experiences in cremation, embalming and other practices in the book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes & Other Lessons from the Crematory.

“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” cover

In case you’re unfamiliar with Caitlin, she’s run a website for several years aiming to educate people in the death process (more on that later). But her growing popularity and success has led to books, travels around the world, a YouTube channel, TED talks and her own non-profit funeral home. In Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, she starts at the beginning as a college graduate with an esoteric liberal arts degree and zero job experience, which naturally leads to employment in a San Francisco mortuary. However, the first line of the book immediately sets up the author’s sense of humor and no-nonsense approach: ‘a girl always remembers the first corpse she shaves.’ Be honest . . . as an opening, that’s killer (har, pun intended). But from that point on, she takes us on her journey as a body snatcher and crematory operator, discussing in frank detail all the fascinating bits involved with the processing of death. The ways bodies decompose, how to make corpses appear lifelike, what’s left after cremation, the details of embalming (and why she’s against it), and several other topics. Although the subject matter is dark, her approach is matter-of-fact, deliberately contrasting how death has become part voodoo/part taboo in our modern society. And as mystery writers who dole out death on a regular basis, let’s face it; we should know as much about the subject as possible.

A follow-up book by the same author is From Here to Eternity; Traveling the World to Find the Good Death. This time, Caitlin recounts her years between mortuary school and opening her own funeral home, traveling and observing various funerary rites and practices around the world. Her goal is similar; to educate and ‘normalize’ death by getting up close and personal to it, but this time from different cultural viewpoints. She visits a region of Indonesia known as Tana Toraja, where the local ethnic group mummifies their relatives and keeps them in their houses, sometimes even their beds, before moving them years later to their final resting place. There’s also Crestone, Colorado, one of the few places in the U.S. that allows natural, open-air cremations. Also skull worship in Bolivia. The mummies of Guanajuato, Mexico (which freaked out Ray Bradbury so much that he wrote a short story about them). And of course, the Western Carolina University ‘body farm’ of North Carolina. All with plenty of details to spur your writerly juices, and perhaps add a little oomph to the exposition in your next novel.

“From Here To Eternity” cover

Bonus: if you’re looking for even more information (or just want to kill some time), I highly suggest Caitlin’s YouTube channel Ask A Mortician. There’s several videos, ranging from roughly 5 – 15 minutes each, all covering a wide variety of topics from the Pearl Harbor Memorial (the author is originally from Hawaii) to necrophilia, shrunken heads, Victorian corpse photographs, what happens during a graveside exhumation, and many other subjects. As testament to their popularity, many of these videos have over one million views, being both informative and showcasing the author’s trademark droll sense of humor. And if you like, you can even make a quick, tiny contribution to her non-profit, which a) is how she pays for it all, and b) will cause you to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Or maybe that’s the expired sushi you discovered earlier in your refrigerator . . . either way, check it out. Oh, and keep writing.

Lessons Learned from My First Book Expo

This summer, I received a Tweet touting a Mid-Ohio Independent Authors Book Expo. Since it was nearby (in Grove City), I thought it would be a good test run to see if I could gain traction.

Before the expo (things I did right):

Eileen Curley Hammond visits her first book fair.
Eileen Curley Hammond visits her first book fair.
  • Ordered author’s copies of my books. I had no idea what to expect, so I over-ordered, figuring better to have too many.
  • Obtained a mobile credit card swiper/chip reader. (I decided on PayPal. The exhibitors next to me had Four Square. Both worked.) Preloaded my prices and tax so that I only had to press a few buttons. I also brought change with me for cash buyers.
  • Designed and ordered an overlay table cloth. (The tables came with cloths, I wanted to brand mine.) Vistaprint made this an easy process, as all I had to do was the wording; they had a design I liked. I also used them for a tabletop sign for my book that will be released end of September.
  • Ordered wire display holders (stands) for my books.
  • Became a Transient Vendor for the State of Ohio so that I could collect sales tax. (You can do this online.)
  • Checked my stock of bookmarks.
  • Practiced my elevator pitch.
  • Touted the expo on my social media platforms. (In hindsight, I would have done this earlier and more frequently.)

During the expo (things I learned):

  • A wheeled cart is a back and arm saver. The venue indicated that they’d have people help with load-in; they did, but they were hopping. I’m going to order one along with plastic containers to store my books. The exhibitor across from me had a very sturdy looking cart and one enormous bin for his books. He said that the bin was over 100 lbs. I will be buying smaller bins and stacking them.
  • Introduce yourself to the exhibitors around you and let them know what you write. That way if a customer tells you they only read sci-fi, you can refer them next door. (Mutual referrals happened several times.)
  • In addition to your display books, put at least a few of your stock on the table too. I thought it was better to have a clean look to the table, but one reader was hesitant to buy because she thought she’d be getting the display. (I put several on the table after that experience.)
  • Think about bringing a candy bowl or dish and keep it filled as an enticement for customers to speak to you.
  • Smile and be bold. Make eye contact, ask what the person reads, and tout your book(s). Don’t be afraid to step away from the table and into the aisle.
  • Ask another author to take your picture; post it on social media while you are at the venue. (Make sure your boxes are out of the way.)

Was it worth it? This particular book expo was not well attended, though I did sell several books. The organizers did a good job getting the word out, but it was a lovely Saturday before many kids went back to school. From my perspective, it was positive, as it gave me a chance to get the kinks out. Now I need to determine the next best one to attend.

Book review: Cherry

By Patrick Stuart, BCW president

I’m a sucker for good books (big surprise). I’m an even bigger sucker for origin stories of authors who managed to get published under trying circumstances, usually involving some combination of talent, grit, happenstance and fairy dust. Case in point; John Kennedy Toole and “A Confederacy of Dunces.” Donald Ray Pollock and “Knockemstiff.” Lucia Berlin and “A Manual for Cleaning Women.” Or William Gay and “The Long Home.” But now it’s time to add another: Nico Walker, debut author of the autobiographical novel “Cherry.”

In 2003 Walker, at 19 years old and by all accounts a good kid from a wealthy Cleveland suburb, bouncing around in a dive band and toying with college, decided to enlist in the Army. He went to Iraq as a medic, got dumped in one of the worst parts of the war, and experienced daily exposure to some basically horrific shit. Walker returned with undiagnosed PTSD and went on to self-medicate with Oxycontin and heroin. To pay for his new habit, he became a bank robber. And for four months, he confounded police by robbing several banks for a total of about $40,000. Until the 11th bank turned into an 11-year sentence at a federal prison in Ashland, Kentucky (expected release date: 2024).

After becoming incarcerated, however, Walker’s story wound up in a long Buzzfeed article, where a small publisher ran across it. The publisher started a correspondence and asked him to write some pages. Realizing there was a bigger story in the making, the small publisher got a bigger publisher involved (Knopf Doubleday), and over a few years Knopf and Walker corresponded via typewritten pages and scheduled 15-minute prison phone calls. Long story short (pun intended, ha), a novel was born.

Here’s the kicker: “Cherry” is actually good. Keep in mind that the novel is essentially Walker’s life, with a first-person protagonist who closely follows his experiences in Cleveland, Iraq, then Cleveland again. Which makes for some intense reading that easily could’ve become a muddled, grueling and hyperbolic mess. But Walker’s protagonist is a combination of honest, funny, kind and depressing. The writing, despite the rawness of the material, is surprisingly tender and sweet. And much of the detail, especially involving military and drug culture, rings brutally realistic. But if you want an abject lesson in how to capture voice, holy mother of . . . this book could be taught at MFA programs. It’s that good. Keep in mind: “Cherry” is harsh, profane and deals with tough subjects. It’s not for everyone. But if you’re willing to take a chance, this will stick with you like a bad addiction.

(Cherry, by Nico Walker, Knopf Doubleday, pub. 2018)


Flash fiction winners: December 2018

Congratulations to this year’s winners of our flash fiction contest! The writers had 200 words to incorporate five words – icicle, sleigh, batter, regift and pine, or variations thereof – into a delightful little murder mystery. Our esteemed panel then narrowed down the field, and the winners were Alicia Anthony (first prize) and Eileen Curley Hammond. Congratulations! Here are their stories:

The Elf’s Revenge, by Alicia Anthony

The scent of pine assaulted my nose. Why these idiots kept moving me around, forcing me into embarrassing positions – sometimes involving a Barbie doll – I’ll never understand. Tonight I sat immobile in the center of the wreath, a prickly spike of evergreen stabbing me in the ass. Humans were ridiculously brutal, battering my arms and legs this way and that, turning and twisting them into whatever position they deemed worthy of Facebook.

Mr. C couldn’t have had this in mind when he assigned this mission. The Elf Workers Union had filed complaints, but so far, the big guy just, “Ho, ho, hoed,” his way out of the conversation. The world would regret ignoring us, manipulating us, regifting us when kids got too old. Tonight, I’d end the abuse.

I swung from the wreath and onto the mantle, sliding in my red onesie down the fancy woodwork to the floor below. The thump of sleigh runners against the roof launched me into a sprint. I yanked an ornament from the Christmas tree before tucking myself among the logs in the darkened fireplace. I braced the ornament between my hands. Exhilaration mounted. The metallic icicle speared straight up, waiting for its target.

(Untitled), by Eileen Curley Hammond

The twelve-inch icicle glistened in the sun. Fat water droplets slid down its length, falling to the bluestone patio far below. I shivered as I shut the window. There was so much left to be done. Michael was in the living room, feet up, watching a rerun of the World Series win. I squinted at the TV. Derek Jeter was the batter.

I picked up the wooden sleigh and some ribbon. With a quick bow, hot glue gun, and several pine cones, a passable centerpiece stood complete. The punch bowl landed on the table, surrounded by small cut crystal glasses. I glared at Michael. “Some help would be nice.”

He grunted, “Where’s my sister?”

“Probably puffing away outside. Would you please find her? It’s not like you don’t know the ending.” He hit pause and ran down the stairs.

I lifted the bright yellow scarf from Aunt Margaret. Definitely not my color. I slid it back into the box and wrapped it. Nothing wrong with a quick regift. Sort of like the thirty second rule.

Michael yelled from downstairs. “Come quick. It’s my sister. She’s outside. I’m not sure what happened, but she’s dead.”

I smiled.